Summer is coming to an end...

     Well, summer is almost over.  As sad as that can be, I also feel great knowing that I was able to make through a long and hard three months.  The hard part is, the more time that goes by, the more people think that you're okay now and suddenly don't need their help anymore.  And the more that that happens, the harder it can get.  Everyone thinks that you've just gotten over it now when you really haven't at all.
     Anyway, this morning was hard because I went somebody's funeral and it brought all the memories of my dad's funeral rushing back.  That was hard.  It's true, absolutely everything reminds me of my dad.  The outfits I wear, the songs i listen to, different places I go to, everything.  But still, things are definitely getting better.  I would absolutely hate to be back at the first few weeks after my dad died.  Those days were awful, with all the numbness I felt and everything else.
    So, I will write a longer post with more detail about this summer, but the computer I am using has a defective 'n' on it.  The little cap on top of it is broken off and it's driving me crazy, but anyway just wanted to update you guys!
     R.I.P. Daddy xoxo

Father's Day is missing someone very important...

So, summer has finally come and with it more grief unffortunately. Little memories ache as they come across my mind. Family vacations are not always something to look fonward to now, but are hard times where we all miss our dear leader of the family. I get so sick of pretending for everyone. Everyone thinks that I'm fine but truly I cry or have that awful pit in my stomach every day. And yet I go around with a fake smile on my face every day. It's exhausting pretending all the time. And it's not all happiness now that school is finally out. But I really miss all my friends. I have almost no friends around here and even the friends I have don't have any idea what I'm going through. I think they might still feel uncomfortable around me and so I guess they think it's fine to just ignore me. They have no idea how licht that hurts. I just want to know that I have some one to go to when I'm down or whatever but if feel like no one would feel comfortable enough for me to do that. Anyway I just had to write some of it down. Tomorrow is father's day so that will be very hard for me as well. Everybody gets to be daddy's little girl and all I have to hug is a hard cold gravestone. I miss him so much! I can't go anywhere without being reminded of this holiday and having that sharp pain in my chest all the time. So, happy fathers day Daddy! I miss you so much and wish you were there so I could sit on your lap and kiss you on the cheek like I always did before. I love you so much! R.I.P. Xoxo

Another Blog to share...

Lindsey is a twenty eight year old woman whose mother was diagnosed with ALS.  Since my Father was diagnosed, I too share in this pain.  Life is extremely hard, and you never truly realize it until something this devastating hits you in the face.  It must be especially hard for Lindsey because her mother lives rather far away.  Even though it was difficult to see my Daddy going through it every day, I treasured the time I had with him. Keep hoping for a cure! If we all stick together, we CAN make a difference.  God bless you, Lindsey! Feel free to talk to me whenever you need to.  Here is her blog:
Life as I Know It...One Day @ A Time

love you all!

Almost done

The school year is almost over for me! Exams are this Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday, and then I am done with sophomore year!! Thank God.  So I have been studying literally all weekend.  Yesterday I studied for 4 hours and today I studied from 10 AM until now, so it's been a very long weekend.  But, it is also going to be really hard this coming weekend, because I have to say goodbye to almost all of my friends from my school. It's an hour away so I won't see them very much after this year.  I'm going to be homeschooled my junior year so that we have the freedom to grieve as a family this year and get through all the really hard times.  But I am really going to miss all my friends.  Going from seeing them every day at school to just texting them a couple times a week or talk to them on the phone will be very difficult.  Today, I was listening to a happy little upbeat song when I just started crying, wishing my life was so happy and upbeat like the song.  But, it's not.  I just want it to get better.  Of course, it will but right now it's been very difficult.  Everything is really setting in now and I am really missing and needing my daddy.  I wish he was still here.  Anyway, I need to get back to studying, but I love you all my readers! Keep strong through what you are all going through.  Together, we can all make it through this. R.i.p. Daddy 1/22/2011 ♥

A blog to share

Hello all. I just wanted to write a quick note about a great new blog.  Heres the link: http://childrenofals.blogspot.com/ 
It's a great blog.  We are trying to start some kind of youth support group, if you have any ideas at all, please let me know.  I think together we all can truly make a difference.  Love to you all!

Easter

Well first of all, happy Easter everyone! Today was pretty hard considering it was the first real holiday without my dad.  I think that most of us just tried not to think about it.  The only good thing is the pain has been getting a bit better.  It's not that same constant pain that hits you no matter what you're thinking about. It's a little less painful and it's not constant like in the beginning.  I feel like I've been able to get a little bit more into life itself.  Of course this whole moving thing with my brother isn't helping anything.  I feel like they're completely ignoring it and acting like everything is fine.  Everything is NOT fine.  You're leaving in a week, how is everything just normal and fine? It's not.  Anyway, I guess now I have to act like everything's fine too, even though I feel like I haven't said everything that I feel.  But, what else am I supposed to do?  I guess I just have to accept it.  So, I felt like I was just getting back into life and then another blow comes.  It is so hard, but I have no choice but to try to understand why this is happening to me right now.  I feel like my brother didn't really think about or consider how much I needed him to help me now that dad is gone.  I feel like he just kind of ignored me and my feelings.  I don't know what to think anymore, but I'm sick of pretending that everything is ok, when it's really not.  Anyway, I guess that's what I have to do for now, pretend.  So, happy Easter everyone! I hope you had a great holiday.

bad news

Today I got more bad news, if you can even believe it.  My brother is thinking about moving away with his wife and two kids.  This news made me feel almost like I did the night of my dad's diagnosis.  I felt so sick, I didn't even want to be at my house.  I'm in such denial right now.  I am so sick of the way everyone is acting like it's fine.  I don't want to be mad at either of them, but I can't help it.  I'm sure that his wife is trying to talk him into moving (that's where her parents live) right now.  I love her so much, but I just think that it's selfish to want to move down there now, only two months after my dad has died.  It's way too hard for me to handle right now.  As soon as I heard it, I just went out for a run, just to get out of there for a while.  I was thinking about it, and I just don't even have the motivation to go on living anymore.  I feel so sick all the time.  I never expected this.  I know it's the wrong thing to do, but I feel like no one's listening.  I want to just tune it all out, get away from this living hell just for a little while.  My brother was supposed to be there to help me when Dad isn't there to.  Now he's just leaving me?  How does that work? Both of the most important men of my life are leaving more or are already gone.  I was having a hard enough time going to school as it was, now it's going to be even worse.  I can't go to school tomorrow in this emotional state. I'm so scared.  I don't want to go into a depression or anything like that and right now I do feel like it's a possibility.  I'm scared to think about what's in the future.  I'm just scared about living my life in general.  Help me, Dad. Love you and miss you.  R.i.p. <3

Memories...

I remember when my Dad used to take me tag saling.  We'd usually be the early birds and he just loved it. I'm not sure what he found so amazing about other people's junk, but we usually came home with loads of it!  I wasn't a huge fan but it was fun for me to do something with just my dad and I.

I remember how my dad always said that I was his "beautiful little girl." He was always telling me how pretty I looked and by the look in his eyes I always knew that he mean it with all his heart. 

I remember how my dad acted whenever I was sick.  My mom would tell him on the phone and he'd always want to talk to me.  He would ask me how I was doing, then when I would tell him that I wasn't feeling well, he'd always say, "oh, poor punkin."  I used to always make fun of him for the way he said "pumpkin".  Then, when he got home from work, he'd bring ginger ale and lots of candy for me.   Sometimes I just loved being "sick".


I remember how much my Dad loved his seltzer water.  The fridge was always filled with tons of it.  His favorite was grapefruit and they always reserved cases of it for him at the local supermarket.  

I remember how much my Dad loved action movies.  For a while, every night he would sit down to one of his favorite movies trying to figure out my headphones.  When he was sick he would often do the same, and I would be the one to set up the computer for him and even put his headphones on for him.

I remember making coffee for my dad every morning before I went to school.  How I would treasure the look on his face as he said to me, "thanks, punkin. I'll miss you when you're at school today." 

I remember, most of all, how much my daddy loved me.  He was always doing thoughtful things, showing me how much he loved me.  Somehow he made every one of us feel like his favorite.  The way his eyes would sparkle every time he said to me, "I love you".  Well, daddy, I love you too and miss you more than words can say.  R.i.p.    

Hard Day

      Today was definitely a really hard day for me.  Besides having to get back into school and having all these tests and everything else shoved at me, everything about today was just hard.  I was feeling sick about school this morning (I know, nothing new there) and it was the worst "Monday feeling" yet.  You know that feeling when you get up on Monday and can't believe that the weekend's over and school is back? Well this morning that feeling for me was a hundred times worse.  Anyway, school itself was that bad, but I was terrified about a certain test today. It went surprisingly well, so that was good.
      But the worst part of the day was a few hours ago.  I was cleaning up my room, and everything just hit me like a brick for the first time.  I mean, sure, it's hit me many times before, but that's only because I was really thinking about.  I was never really thinking about it when I was cleaning, and then I was on the floor sobbing. It was such a weird feeling just breaking down in the middle of cleaning like that.
      Right now, I honestly don't know how I'm going to make it through the rest of my life without my Dad.  It is just so hard right now.  I don't want to sound mean but I am so sick of hearing about other people and their perfect lives with their perfect parents.  And, I really hate it when people complain to me about their dads.  I'm always thinking "seriously? At least your Dad is still alive and there for you.  You have no idea what I would give for that."
     I'm hoping for another sign soon. Those always really help me out when I need them.  By the way, another song that I love right now is "Vanilla Twilight" by Owl City.  I never really understood the meaning behind the words until now.  It's a really sweet song.
      R.I.P. Daddy. I love you. 1/22/2011♥

Song

Just a quick note, I found a song that's really helped me.  It's "There You'll Be" by Faith Hill.  It's really beautiful and perfect for my situation or anyone who's lost a loved one.  It's really worth looking up.

Lately, it's been hard for me thinking about the "what-ifs".  Our life was supposed to be so perfect.  My brother and his wife and kids had just moved up.  We were working on getting my sister and her husband and kids up here.  It was going to work out so perfectly.  Then, dad got diagnosed and everything changed.  I knew nothing would be perfect for a long time.  Even my sense of perfect would be changed forever.  I'm so scared to return to school.  I'm just wondering how everyone is going to treat me.  I don't want to be treated weird or for people to ignore me just cause they're uncomfortable about the whole situation.  Well, if they think they're uncomfortable, that is just ridiculous.  They have no idea what I'm going through.

Last night I had a new sign from my Dad.  You know how if you look at a really bright image and then look away that image just stays in your eyesight for a few seconds.  Well, I saw that kind of image of my Dad's smiling face.  It gave me so much peace.  I had been crying before then, but after that I stopped and I think it was just my dad's way of letting me know that he is still watching over me and with me all the time.

I miss you and love you Daddy! Rest in peace.<3

One month...

Today, February 22nd, is the one month anniversary of my dad's death.  I honestly can't believe that its been a month since that day.  It's been hard today, but at least most of the little things I had to do without Dad are over. Of course we've still got all the really hard things ahead of us like the holidays and birthdays and such.  The really hard thing is that I'm becoming less and less numb.  I guess it's good to cry more now, which is what I have certainly been doing.  Right now, the only thing keeping me going is my friends and family, especially the little babies in my house.  I really want the pain to go away.  I know that it will get better but it's awfully hard to believe that right now.

R.i.p. Daddy.  I love you and miss you more than I could ever say.

memories...

I would just like to share some of my favorite memories of my dad as they popped into my mind.

My daddy was always very involved with his kids.  i would always look forward to power outages because me and my little brother and my dad would play games.  One time in particular, the power went out later in the evening.  I remember my dad going downstairs and finding an old oil lamp and some oil to help light up the house.  He put it on the kitchen table and grabbed a pack of cards.  We played poker (texas hold 'em as I recall) for hours by candlelight, poker chips and all.  Those were always such fun times.

I remember how fun the winters would be with my dad.  One time, me and my little brother  went outside sledding in our backyard.  We were having a good time, and my dad was shoveling off the roof and our deck.  He was just about to go in, I'm quite sure he was exausted.  But, me and my brother begged my dad to come sledding with us.  He said he was too tired and went inside.  We were dissapointed but we understood.  About 15 minutes later, my dad bounded out in his snow clothes, all set to play with us.  He always put our happiness before his own deserved rest.  I am certainly going to miss that.

Well, I'll end for now,but I'l be sure to continue wrting these out whenever i remember them.  

Here's a song I wrote about ALS

ALWAYS IN MY HEART             

CHORUS:

[No matter how long it's been

I know where you are now

You will always be with me,

In my-y-y heart]

When you were a young man

still only young, too young to die...

I was just fifteen

Still needing my Daddy.

All of us were so happy

life was near perfect,

Our family was together...

Finally.

Then came the bad news,

Nothing ever stays perfect

at least not for long.

And no one was ready.

[CHORUS]

We heard you were dying.

How were we supposed to,

Cope with all this.

We all needed you so much.

How could this be?

Life was so good, until this disease.

I never even knew,

What this disease was until...

You went so quickly,

I wanted my Daddy,

Too young to die.

We were all too young to lose you anddd....

[CHORUS]

The only thing that got me through,

Was trusting in a miracle,

Even til the end.

The very, very end.

Finally I realized,

Or understood I had to,

There would be no miracle.

So I whispered through my tears...

“Daddy, just go ahead and let go,

I know that you're holding on.”

It was hurting me so much,

seeing him like that, barely breathing.

After saying “I love you”

His eyes raised up to heaven,

Focused on Something: the face of God.

He had left this earth…

[No matter how long it's been

I know where you are now

You will always be with me,

In my-y-y heart

I will love you forever,

best Daddy ever,

In the who-o-ole world...

In my-y-y heart]

Until we meet again...

      Today was one of the hardest days of my life: Daddy's wake.  My sweet Daddy died on the 22nd of January on the anniversary of Roe vs. Wade.  A miracle since he dedicated his whole life to the pro-life cause.  That was definitely the hardest day of my life.
      He had been doing pretty well all day, talking to his friends that came to visit him, so I never imagined that it was his last day with us.  Then, in the evening he called his whole family in: Mom, his daughters: Me, Ashley and Drea (daughter-in-law), his sons: Stephen and Bradley, Auntie Nanny, his best friends Mr. Milano and Fr. Tim.  I knew he was dying when he did that.  Then he turned to each one of us and said something special.   He said to me, "I love you Mary, I am so proud of you.  I will always be with you."  Just a few days earlier he had said to me, "Don't worry Mary, I am always with you.  When I go, you know that I will be happy in heaven watching over you all the time.  I'll never leave you.  I love you."  It was beautiful how happy he was he said that.
      He had such a beautiful death.  Just outside the room, Mrs. Newcombe, Mrs. Greene and Nancy Faller all prayed the rosary.  Then we all said the chaplet over and over.  I remember him saying to me, "Just make sure to keep praying."  Our prayers were certainly comforting him.  After saying "I love you" again to everyone in the room, he gave everyone a final loving look.  This whole time I had kept telling myself, "He's going to be fine, he'll be healed."  Finally I realized that that wasn't going to happen and I said, "It's ok, let go Daddy."  Dad raised his eyes up to heaven and I knew in that moment that he was seeing the face of God.  Ashley had started saying, "Jesus, I trust in you" and we all joined in.  We were all crying so hard but there was a sense of peace in the room: Daddy was free from all his suffering.  It was 7:20 pm.  While I was laying on my bed crying I know I heard my daddy say, "It's ok."  I stopped crying immediately and realized, it is ok, my daddy is so happy now.
      I almost forgot, right after Dad died, as we were all sobbing, Stephen walked around consoling all of us, perfectly calm.  His face wasn't even his own, it was angelic.  When my mom asked him how he was so calm he said "it's not me, it's God."  Later he told me he was thinking, "Why is everyone so sad?  Daddy's in heaven now."
      Today was hard because we had to see Daddy's body again.  It was really hard because he was ice cold.  It was hard having to admit that Daddy really was gone.  But, I knew it was just his body, his spirit was in Heaven.  SO many people came, the receiving line was incredible, going all the way around the Church.  Thank God for Abby, she was with me the whole time.  Neither of us really broke down until the end., when we had to say goodbye to Daddy.  But, I know we will see him again one day.
      I love you Daddy and I miss you more than words could ever say.  Pray for me as I do for you.  I know you are with me,  your "beautiful little girl".  I love you daddy, and I know you are still reading this, even in Heaven.