Sunday, April 24, 2011


Well first of all, happy Easter everyone! Today was pretty hard considering it was the first real holiday without my dad.  I think that most of us just tried not to think about it.  The only good thing is the pain has been getting a bit better.  It's not that same constant pain that hits you no matter what you're thinking about. It's a little less painful and it's not constant like in the beginning.  I feel like I've been able to get a little bit more into life itself.  Of course this whole moving thing with my brother isn't helping anything.  I feel like they're completely ignoring it and acting like everything is fine.  Everything is NOT fine.  You're leaving in a week, how is everything just normal and fine? It's not.  Anyway, I guess now I have to act like everything's fine too, even though I feel like I haven't said everything that I feel.  But, what else am I supposed to do?  I guess I just have to accept it.  So, I felt like I was just getting back into life and then another blow comes.  It is so hard, but I have no choice but to try to understand why this is happening to me right now.  I feel like my brother didn't really think about or consider how much I needed him to help me now that dad is gone.  I feel like he just kind of ignored me and my feelings.  I don't know what to think anymore, but I'm sick of pretending that everything is ok, when it's really not.  Anyway, I guess that's what I have to do for now, pretend.  So, happy Easter everyone! I hope you had a great holiday.

Sunday, April 3, 2011

bad news

Today I got more bad news, if you can even believe it.  My brother is thinking about moving away with his wife and two kids.  This news made me feel almost like I did the night of my dad's diagnosis.  I felt so sick, I didn't even want to be at my house.  I'm in such denial right now.  I am so sick of the way everyone is acting like it's fine.  I don't want to be mad at either of them, but I can't help it.  I'm sure that his wife is trying to talk him into moving (that's where her parents live) right now.  I love her so much, but I just think that it's selfish to want to move down there now, only two months after my dad has died.  It's way too hard for me to handle right now.  As soon as I heard it, I just went out for a run, just to get out of there for a while.  I was thinking about it, and I just don't even have the motivation to go on living anymore.  I feel so sick all the time.  I never expected this.  I know it's the wrong thing to do, but I feel like no one's listening.  I want to just tune it all out, get away from this living hell just for a little while.  My brother was supposed to be there to help me when Dad isn't there to.  Now he's just leaving me?  How does that work? Both of the most important men of my life are leaving more or are already gone.  I was having a hard enough time going to school as it was, now it's going to be even worse.  I can't go to school tomorrow in this emotional state. I'm so scared.  I don't want to go into a depression or anything like that and right now I do feel like it's a possibility.  I'm scared to think about what's in the future.  I'm just scared about living my life in general.  Help me, Dad. Love you and miss you.  R.i.p. <3