New Years Eve

      Tonight and actually all of today was pretty rough.  We were in Maryland visiting Ashley this past week for Christmas.  It was wonderful being together but overall a hard Christmas (and birthday...now I'm 15).  So today, we left for home and it was really hard, especially leaving Anthony.  He's only 2.  When he saw us leaving he just started sobbing, trying to yell to us to stay.  It broke my heart and I was probably crying more than he was.  Now he keeps forgetting that we left and keeps asking to see us.  So, needless to say, I've been crying most of today. 

      Then to top it off (whenever my day is pretty much as bad as I think it can get, it gets worse) I was helping my Dad and I guess I just wasn't prepared for what I saw.  His legs were so skinny, just skin and bones.  Of course, that makes sense, since he's losing his muscles but I didn't realize how bad it would be.  When I saw the skin just sagging around the bones, I just starting crying.  I couldn't help it, my heart hurt so badly. He's always had such strong muscles, especially in his legs, so when I see them so weak, it just hurts.  

      And, I just miss Ashley, Anthony and Xavier so much that I'm especially quick to cry right now.  Plus, I just got a haircut that I don't like, so just one more thing.  Finally (I hope this doesn't sound like a super long list of complaints) school starts again on Monday.  I'm absolutely dreading that (especially with this stupid new haircut).  Sorry to write down a long depressing list of all the bad things going on right now but I have to vent.  And right now, the easiest way to do that is to write it all down.  

      Well, it's past midnight now so Happy New Year! 2011...one more year until the world ends ;)  Right now, I kind of hope for that.  Anyway, hoping and praying for a better year this year.  Blessed Francis Xavier Seelos, pray for us and get us this miracle, please!

    

A few weeks later, after school has begun...

      Well, life is slowly getting better, I'm starting to accept how it's going to be for a long time.  Yes, I'm not a big fan  of school but who really is?  I've made plenty of good friends and I love most of my class.
      Thanksgiving was hard, thinking it might be Dad's last.  But trying not to be negative, maybe it will only be his last Thanksgiving with ALS and he'll have many more after he's healed.  I still pray for a miracle and will even until the last second.  But, it's been hard to be hopeful lately.
      A few weeks ago, my Dad started using a wheelchair.  That was definitely hard to see.  He's just been getting so weak so fast that it's scaring me.  I don't want this to be my dad's last Christmas season or my last birthday with him.  I'm only going to be 15.  That's way too young to lose a parent.  I was still expecting 30 or 40 more years with him until he was diagnosed.  Even then I thought I had at least 3-5 more years with him.  But, of course, his case has to be moving faster than normal, giving him months instead of years to live.
      I'm getting tired of everyone else giving up on a miracle too.  This afternoon, my mom was talking to someone and said something like "when he dies".  Phrases like that are not hopeful and do not help.  I feel like everyone around has lost hope that God might still heal Dad.  All this just makes me loose hope too.
      For Christmas this year (today is the first Sunday of Advent) we'll all be together hopefully.  As long as my nephew doesn't decide to arrive early Brad and Drea will be there too.  I hope so.

      "God, please help me to continue hoping for a miracle.  Help everyone else to have hope too and not count on Dad's death.  As far as I'm concerned, Dad won't die for a long time still.  Help this be true.  Please help my Dad, cure him of his ALS.  Give me strength and hope so I may continue praying for a miracle.  Amen."

The Day After the diagnosis

"Appreciating"
Because of ALS, I've really grown to appreciate the small things.  When Dad gets home, I go to meet him.  I say "I love you" even more then I used to.  I enjoy little moments like just sitting on the couch with Dad.  I love you, Dad.  I'm sorry if I've ever taken you for granted.  Of course I have sometimes, but so has everyone else.  I always appreciate everything you do for me now.  Don't worry Dad, God is going to heal you.  Too many people are praying for you for God not heal you.  We all need you.  I love you Dad!

Living in a Nightmare...My thoughts right after the diagnosis

When I heard the news, my heart stopped.  I felt frozen, unable to believe the nightmare about to become my life, yet realizing it was the truth.  As tears came, I still didn't believe it.  How could life go from perfect to a huge bad dream?  All the little things I cared about don't matter anymore.  How could I care about feeling left out when my dad might be taken away from me?  How could I cry over a pointless party when there are fatal diseases out there like ALS? God will heal my Dad.  Too many need him to survive.  I need my daddy.  I want him at my wedding to walk me down the aisle.  I just want to make sure he knows what a wonderful Dad he is and how much I need him and love him.  I love you Daddy.  God will not take you away from me.