Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Summer is coming to an end...

     Well, summer is almost over.  As sad as that can be, I also feel great knowing that I was able to make through a long and hard three months.  The hard part is, the more time that goes by, the more people think that you're okay now and suddenly don't need their help anymore.  And the more that that happens, the harder it can get.  Everyone thinks that you've just gotten over it now when you really haven't at all.
     Anyway, this morning was hard because I went somebody's funeral and it brought all the memories of my dad's funeral rushing back.  That was hard.  It's true, absolutely everything reminds me of my dad.  The outfits I wear, the songs i listen to, different places I go to, everything.  But still, things are definitely getting better.  I would absolutely hate to be back at the first few weeks after my dad died.  Those days were awful, with all the numbness I felt and everything else.
    So, I will write a longer post with more detail about this summer, but the computer I am using has a defective 'n' on it.  The little cap on top of it is broken off and it's driving me crazy, but anyway just wanted to update you guys!
     R.I.P. Daddy xoxo

Saturday, June 18, 2011

Father's Day is missing someone very important...

So, summer has finally come and with it more grief unffortunately. Little memories ache as they come across my mind. Family vacations are not always something to look fonward to now, but are hard times where we all miss our dear leader of the family. I get so sick of pretending for everyone. Everyone thinks that I'm fine but truly I cry or have that awful pit in my stomach every day. And yet I go around with a fake smile on my face every day. It's exhausting pretending all the time. And it's not all happiness now that school is finally out. But I really miss all my friends. I have almost no friends around here and even the friends I have don't have any idea what I'm going through. I think they might still feel uncomfortable around me and so I guess they think it's fine to just ignore me. They have no idea how licht that hurts. I just want to know that I have some one to go to when I'm down or whatever but if feel like no one would feel comfortable enough for me to do that. Anyway I just had to write some of it down. Tomorrow is father's day so that will be very hard for me as well. Everybody gets to be daddy's little girl and all I have to hug is a hard cold gravestone. I miss him so much! I can't go anywhere without being reminded of this holiday and having that sharp pain in my chest all the time. So, happy fathers day Daddy! I miss you so much and wish you were there so I could sit on your lap and kiss you on the cheek like I always did before. I love you so much! R.I.P. Xoxo

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Another Blog to share...

Lindsey is a twenty eight year old woman whose mother was diagnosed with ALS.  Since my Father was diagnosed, I too share in this pain.  Life is extremely hard, and you never truly realize it until something this devastating hits you in the face.  It must be especially hard for Lindsey because her mother lives rather far away.  Even though it was difficult to see my Daddy going through it every day, I treasured the time I had with him. Keep hoping for a cure! If we all stick together, we CAN make a difference.  God bless you, Lindsey! Feel free to talk to me whenever you need to.  Here is her blog:
Life as I Know It...One Day @ A Time

love you all!

Sunday, May 22, 2011

Almost done

The school year is almost over for me! Exams are this Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday, and then I am done with sophomore year!! Thank God.  So I have been studying literally all weekend.  Yesterday I studied for 4 hours and today I studied from 10 AM until now, so it's been a very long weekend.  But, it is also going to be really hard this coming weekend, because I have to say goodbye to almost all of my friends from my school. It's an hour away so I won't see them very much after this year.  I'm going to be homeschooled my junior year so that we have the freedom to grieve as a family this year and get through all the really hard times.  But I am really going to miss all my friends.  Going from seeing them every day at school to just texting them a couple times a week or talk to them on the phone will be very difficult.  Today, I was listening to a happy little upbeat song when I just started crying, wishing my life was so happy and upbeat like the song.  But, it's not.  I just want it to get better.  Of course, it will but right now it's been very difficult.  Everything is really setting in now and I am really missing and needing my daddy.  I wish he was still here.  Anyway, I need to get back to studying, but I love you all my readers! Keep strong through what you are all going through.  Together, we can all make it through this. R.i.p. Daddy 1/22/2011 ♥

Saturday, May 21, 2011

A blog to share

Hello all. I just wanted to write a quick note about a great new blog.  Heres the link: 
It's a great blog.  We are trying to start some kind of youth support group, if you have any ideas at all, please let me know.  I think together we all can truly make a difference.  Love to you all!

Sunday, April 24, 2011


Well first of all, happy Easter everyone! Today was pretty hard considering it was the first real holiday without my dad.  I think that most of us just tried not to think about it.  The only good thing is the pain has been getting a bit better.  It's not that same constant pain that hits you no matter what you're thinking about. It's a little less painful and it's not constant like in the beginning.  I feel like I've been able to get a little bit more into life itself.  Of course this whole moving thing with my brother isn't helping anything.  I feel like they're completely ignoring it and acting like everything is fine.  Everything is NOT fine.  You're leaving in a week, how is everything just normal and fine? It's not.  Anyway, I guess now I have to act like everything's fine too, even though I feel like I haven't said everything that I feel.  But, what else am I supposed to do?  I guess I just have to accept it.  So, I felt like I was just getting back into life and then another blow comes.  It is so hard, but I have no choice but to try to understand why this is happening to me right now.  I feel like my brother didn't really think about or consider how much I needed him to help me now that dad is gone.  I feel like he just kind of ignored me and my feelings.  I don't know what to think anymore, but I'm sick of pretending that everything is ok, when it's really not.  Anyway, I guess that's what I have to do for now, pretend.  So, happy Easter everyone! I hope you had a great holiday.

Sunday, April 3, 2011

bad news

Today I got more bad news, if you can even believe it.  My brother is thinking about moving away with his wife and two kids.  This news made me feel almost like I did the night of my dad's diagnosis.  I felt so sick, I didn't even want to be at my house.  I'm in such denial right now.  I am so sick of the way everyone is acting like it's fine.  I don't want to be mad at either of them, but I can't help it.  I'm sure that his wife is trying to talk him into moving (that's where her parents live) right now.  I love her so much, but I just think that it's selfish to want to move down there now, only two months after my dad has died.  It's way too hard for me to handle right now.  As soon as I heard it, I just went out for a run, just to get out of there for a while.  I was thinking about it, and I just don't even have the motivation to go on living anymore.  I feel so sick all the time.  I never expected this.  I know it's the wrong thing to do, but I feel like no one's listening.  I want to just tune it all out, get away from this living hell just for a little while.  My brother was supposed to be there to help me when Dad isn't there to.  Now he's just leaving me?  How does that work? Both of the most important men of my life are leaving more or are already gone.  I was having a hard enough time going to school as it was, now it's going to be even worse.  I can't go to school tomorrow in this emotional state. I'm so scared.  I don't want to go into a depression or anything like that and right now I do feel like it's a possibility.  I'm scared to think about what's in the future.  I'm just scared about living my life in general.  Help me, Dad. Love you and miss you.  R.i.p. <3