Memories...

I remember when my Dad used to take me tag saling.  We'd usually be the early birds and he just loved it. I'm not sure what he found so amazing about other people's junk, but we usually came home with loads of it!  I wasn't a huge fan but it was fun for me to do something with just my dad and I.

I remember how my dad always said that I was his "beautiful little girl." He was always telling me how pretty I looked and by the look in his eyes I always knew that he mean it with all his heart. 

I remember how my dad acted whenever I was sick.  My mom would tell him on the phone and he'd always want to talk to me.  He would ask me how I was doing, then when I would tell him that I wasn't feeling well, he'd always say, "oh, poor punkin."  I used to always make fun of him for the way he said "pumpkin".  Then, when he got home from work, he'd bring ginger ale and lots of candy for me.   Sometimes I just loved being "sick".


I remember how much my Dad loved his seltzer water.  The fridge was always filled with tons of it.  His favorite was grapefruit and they always reserved cases of it for him at the local supermarket.  

I remember how much my Dad loved action movies.  For a while, every night he would sit down to one of his favorite movies trying to figure out my headphones.  When he was sick he would often do the same, and I would be the one to set up the computer for him and even put his headphones on for him.

I remember making coffee for my dad every morning before I went to school.  How I would treasure the look on his face as he said to me, "thanks, punkin. I'll miss you when you're at school today." 

I remember, most of all, how much my daddy loved me.  He was always doing thoughtful things, showing me how much he loved me.  Somehow he made every one of us feel like his favorite.  The way his eyes would sparkle every time he said to me, "I love you".  Well, daddy, I love you too and miss you more than words can say.  R.i.p.    

Hard Day

      Today was definitely a really hard day for me.  Besides having to get back into school and having all these tests and everything else shoved at me, everything about today was just hard.  I was feeling sick about school this morning (I know, nothing new there) and it was the worst "Monday feeling" yet.  You know that feeling when you get up on Monday and can't believe that the weekend's over and school is back? Well this morning that feeling for me was a hundred times worse.  Anyway, school itself was that bad, but I was terrified about a certain test today. It went surprisingly well, so that was good.
      But the worst part of the day was a few hours ago.  I was cleaning up my room, and everything just hit me like a brick for the first time.  I mean, sure, it's hit me many times before, but that's only because I was really thinking about.  I was never really thinking about it when I was cleaning, and then I was on the floor sobbing. It was such a weird feeling just breaking down in the middle of cleaning like that.
      Right now, I honestly don't know how I'm going to make it through the rest of my life without my Dad.  It is just so hard right now.  I don't want to sound mean but I am so sick of hearing about other people and their perfect lives with their perfect parents.  And, I really hate it when people complain to me about their dads.  I'm always thinking "seriously? At least your Dad is still alive and there for you.  You have no idea what I would give for that."
     I'm hoping for another sign soon. Those always really help me out when I need them.  By the way, another song that I love right now is "Vanilla Twilight" by Owl City.  I never really understood the meaning behind the words until now.  It's a really sweet song.
      R.I.P. Daddy. I love you. 1/22/2011♥

Song

Just a quick note, I found a song that's really helped me.  It's "There You'll Be" by Faith Hill.  It's really beautiful and perfect for my situation or anyone who's lost a loved one.  It's really worth looking up.

Lately, it's been hard for me thinking about the "what-ifs".  Our life was supposed to be so perfect.  My brother and his wife and kids had just moved up.  We were working on getting my sister and her husband and kids up here.  It was going to work out so perfectly.  Then, dad got diagnosed and everything changed.  I knew nothing would be perfect for a long time.  Even my sense of perfect would be changed forever.  I'm so scared to return to school.  I'm just wondering how everyone is going to treat me.  I don't want to be treated weird or for people to ignore me just cause they're uncomfortable about the whole situation.  Well, if they think they're uncomfortable, that is just ridiculous.  They have no idea what I'm going through.

Last night I had a new sign from my Dad.  You know how if you look at a really bright image and then look away that image just stays in your eyesight for a few seconds.  Well, I saw that kind of image of my Dad's smiling face.  It gave me so much peace.  I had been crying before then, but after that I stopped and I think it was just my dad's way of letting me know that he is still watching over me and with me all the time.

I miss you and love you Daddy! Rest in peace.<3