Sunday, April 3, 2011

bad news

Today I got more bad news, if you can even believe it.  My brother is thinking about moving away with his wife and two kids.  This news made me feel almost like I did the night of my dad's diagnosis.  I felt so sick, I didn't even want to be at my house.  I'm in such denial right now.  I am so sick of the way everyone is acting like it's fine.  I don't want to be mad at either of them, but I can't help it.  I'm sure that his wife is trying to talk him into moving (that's where her parents live) right now.  I love her so much, but I just think that it's selfish to want to move down there now, only two months after my dad has died.  It's way too hard for me to handle right now.  As soon as I heard it, I just went out for a run, just to get out of there for a while.  I was thinking about it, and I just don't even have the motivation to go on living anymore.  I feel so sick all the time.  I never expected this.  I know it's the wrong thing to do, but I feel like no one's listening.  I want to just tune it all out, get away from this living hell just for a little while.  My brother was supposed to be there to help me when Dad isn't there to.  Now he's just leaving me?  How does that work? Both of the most important men of my life are leaving more or are already gone.  I was having a hard enough time going to school as it was, now it's going to be even worse.  I can't go to school tomorrow in this emotional state. I'm so scared.  I don't want to go into a depression or anything like that and right now I do feel like it's a possibility.  I'm scared to think about what's in the future.  I'm just scared about living my life in general.  Help me, Dad. Love you and miss you.  R.i.p. <3

1 comment:

  1. I, for one am listening to you, I feel for you and also feel your pain...Life is never easy.
    But just remember your dad and how he would have wanted you to be alive and well.
    God created us for a reason and the reason is to be alive and survive this jungle we are living at this moment, he meant for us to live, not die, so those that have life shall continue to keep alive. Think posiitve, because whatever your cross, whatever your pain, there will always be sunshine after the rain...